January 25, 2012

One Journey Ends...

So I've been hard at work this evening. I feel like a rock star! Three dresses completed, three more cut, and an applique for a shirt cut. I should still be working, but I can't get this blog post out of my head. So I'm taking a break from sewing to write.

I've been thinking and thinking about what to blog about this week (especially since I missed last week), but nothing has really been coming to mind. I've been working really hard to fill all the orders from the Back in Business sale, but I have not really done much creating which is what I normally write about. Then I realized that is really all I write about. This week has been kind of life altering for my personal life, so this week I'm getting personal.

This past week or so has been full of major changes for me. For one, my little girl final slept in her own bed for the first time ever! I was getting her ready for bed, and when I finished putting on her jammies she walked right over to her bed and started to climb in. I handed her her bottle and in less than 10 minutes she was out. Granted she only made it till 2:30 in the morning, but still it was a big deal for us. I am very happy to start to make this change. It is time the hubbs and I reclaimed our own bed! But at the same time, a piece of me missing being able to reach out and feel her warmth in the middle of the night. I know she is still safe one room over, but it is just not quite the same.

But the biggest change is the fact that my daughter has basically weaned herself from nursing. When I was young and imaging my life as a mother, I actually never pictured myself breastfeeding. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I just knew that I would. And it has been one of the single greatest decisions I have ever made. But coming to the decision as I did means that I have not had a lot of time to imagine what it would be like when breastfeeding was over. I knew that it would be hard, but I also envisioned having way more time. She is only 17 months old and I was hoping to nurse until she was at least 2 years. And even though this means she is ready, I just am not ready for that connection to be over. I've even been trying to pump to keep up my supply, but it is just not working out. So today I finally accept the fact that this may be the end of this amazing experience.

One of my favorite nursing experiences.
I remember her swinging her foot in the water the whole time.
I feel strange comparing it to the stages of grieving, but what I have been going through has been shockingly similar. The pumping was my denial. I've felt angry at my body for not being able to produce enough milk to satisfy her (whither that is true or not). I felt a loneliness and disconnect from her. I felt slightly depressed due to my lack of control over the situation. And I’ve been fighting back tears the whole time I’ve been writing this. But on the other hand, I feel like I am starting to work through all these feelings and I am beginning to accept the fact that this part of our lives is over. The sane part of my brain is even beginning to overpower all the negativity and reminding me that as one journey ends it allows another to begin.

So this week I've (slightly begrudgingly) reclaimed my bed and my boobs, but most importantly I've been reminded just how quick things change. I've been reminded to slow down and savor every single moment of life. I'm making more of a point to just sit and cuddle with my little gift from God. And we are growing.

If you’ve ever reached the end of nursing, what was it like for you? If your breastfeeding now, have you thought about what the end will be like?


  1. Not that I would know from experience, (obviously, I have no children), I have heard that this feeling is not uncommon. Here is a blog that I follow (maybe you do to?!?) where she talks about her experience: http://www.younghouselove.com/2011/07/14-months-of-breastfeeding/

    Thought you might enjoy reading it!

    1. Great post! Thanks for sharing. Our experiences were shockingly similar. The trick to get Jaycelyn to drink whole milk was Eggnog! Who'd a thought!